Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
War Paint
A fellow teacher walks into my room before the students arrive. "What are you up to?" she inquires as I am applying my mascara. "I am applying my war paint." I casually reply. "Ha Ha those kids will drive you nots won't they." she giggles. I just shrug, knowing the war paint is more for me than it is for them.
Everyday we all put on our masks to help us deal with our own internal struggle. My struggle is with happiness. In Colorado, I was genuinely happy. I felt light and giddy and alive. I can count on one hand the number times I have felt alive since departing from there and one is the tears I bitterly shed upon my departure. I did not need my mask in Colorado and now do not live a day without it.
As the bell rings and the students meander in, something kicks in that makes me appear alive and full of energy and I am thankful that my kids pull it out of me. As they leave for the day, I feel the false sense of alive drain from me leaving a hollow shell of discontent behind.
I sleep with this paint on trying to convince myself that if I look happy, I am happy. I do not feel the way I look. I am a phony but my body will not let me lie to myself. The acid reflux is so severe I get dizzy and light headed and struggle to breath and even eat. It reminds me that this did not happen when I was happy.
Something must change. Until then its back to the doctors I go; back to exhaustion and lifelessness outside the classroom; back to the war paint that streams down my face in my runs which get longer and longer the more paint I need to put on. This is what I meant when Mike and I discussed fake over the summer.. this is how it looks, how it feels. Something will change...
Everyday we all put on our masks to help us deal with our own internal struggle. My struggle is with happiness. In Colorado, I was genuinely happy. I felt light and giddy and alive. I can count on one hand the number times I have felt alive since departing from there and one is the tears I bitterly shed upon my departure. I did not need my mask in Colorado and now do not live a day without it.
As the bell rings and the students meander in, something kicks in that makes me appear alive and full of energy and I am thankful that my kids pull it out of me. As they leave for the day, I feel the false sense of alive drain from me leaving a hollow shell of discontent behind.
I sleep with this paint on trying to convince myself that if I look happy, I am happy. I do not feel the way I look. I am a phony but my body will not let me lie to myself. The acid reflux is so severe I get dizzy and light headed and struggle to breath and even eat. It reminds me that this did not happen when I was happy.
Something must change. Until then its back to the doctors I go; back to exhaustion and lifelessness outside the classroom; back to the war paint that streams down my face in my runs which get longer and longer the more paint I need to put on. This is what I meant when Mike and I discussed fake over the summer.. this is how it looks, how it feels. Something will change...
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Neither as young as I use to be, nor as wise as I should be
Looming on the horizon, felt as warmth upon the face of runners, hikers, and party enthusiasts before completely revealed, another dawn approaches. Change shares these characteristics with the birth of a new day; each instant of change never as the one before and just as brief a memory once the change has come to its sumation. I know not what this "sunrise" holds for me, but its warmth is undeniable.
As one runs any given distance, secluded from the distractions of the minor challenges they face in their life any given day, week, month, their mind is given a chance to wander within itself rather than interact. Having completed 20 miles in the past 3 days, my mind has created a playground for itself absent of a swing since there is no one else there to push it. I revel in my solitude as time to center myself. The warmth upon my face is one that is not as comforting as I would like as I feel this round of growth is going to pull me back into mistakes made before but necessary to move forward. I implore for more than this unsettling feeling yet receive no reply as no response is prepared yet.
Along my runs, I cannot escape the intensity from the Seli-Zavada residence as I witness my beloved roommate's torment as she receives the rude awakening that the "dawn" has brought her. Details aside, as I speak to her as she nervously scrubs the kitchen, I feel her pain as only one who has dealt with the torture of embarking upon a long distance relationship can. Danielle faces much more than I could even fathom but with the depth of her loss comes renewed commitment of love and dedication that I lacked in my own experience. Bitter I am not, envious just a tad. Their love and decisions are based in maturity and a solid foundation of trust and 2 years whereas mine was lost in immaturity and a less solid foundation. One is calculated (as much as it can be) and the other just happened. Do I regret it? Not in the slightest. Learn I did paired with growth and I hope to be there for her and the growth faced ahead.
Uncertain is the dawn, scary what a new day holds for all, but at the end of the day, we look back and thank God for it as we reflect. Sunrises are inevitable and sprawled upon the beach or at the top of a mountain to witness its majesty and mystery is a good place for us to be. For the rest of us flailing about, hitting the snooze button, ignoring the present; this uncertainty is disquieting and unsettling. During my trip to the playground this morning, I reflected upon how to share my discomfort with my closest confidantes as they are my support group that have a front row seat to see me fall and share in my pain and the quote which openned this entry is the only response that my mind consistently tossed around. Thank you for your love and support.
As one runs any given distance, secluded from the distractions of the minor challenges they face in their life any given day, week, month, their mind is given a chance to wander within itself rather than interact. Having completed 20 miles in the past 3 days, my mind has created a playground for itself absent of a swing since there is no one else there to push it. I revel in my solitude as time to center myself. The warmth upon my face is one that is not as comforting as I would like as I feel this round of growth is going to pull me back into mistakes made before but necessary to move forward. I implore for more than this unsettling feeling yet receive no reply as no response is prepared yet.
Along my runs, I cannot escape the intensity from the Seli-Zavada residence as I witness my beloved roommate's torment as she receives the rude awakening that the "dawn" has brought her. Details aside, as I speak to her as she nervously scrubs the kitchen, I feel her pain as only one who has dealt with the torture of embarking upon a long distance relationship can. Danielle faces much more than I could even fathom but with the depth of her loss comes renewed commitment of love and dedication that I lacked in my own experience. Bitter I am not, envious just a tad. Their love and decisions are based in maturity and a solid foundation of trust and 2 years whereas mine was lost in immaturity and a less solid foundation. One is calculated (as much as it can be) and the other just happened. Do I regret it? Not in the slightest. Learn I did paired with growth and I hope to be there for her and the growth faced ahead.
Uncertain is the dawn, scary what a new day holds for all, but at the end of the day, we look back and thank God for it as we reflect. Sunrises are inevitable and sprawled upon the beach or at the top of a mountain to witness its majesty and mystery is a good place for us to be. For the rest of us flailing about, hitting the snooze button, ignoring the present; this uncertainty is disquieting and unsettling. During my trip to the playground this morning, I reflected upon how to share my discomfort with my closest confidantes as they are my support group that have a front row seat to see me fall and share in my pain and the quote which openned this entry is the only response that my mind consistently tossed around. Thank you for your love and support.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Running Disney... I wish
Action Sports International - www.asiorders.com
My roommate and I at our Minnie Marathon 15K in May. One of our greatest achievements to date!
My roommate and I at our Minnie Marathon 15K in May. One of our greatest achievements to date!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
15
My favorite number. My soccer number. The number of days until I am REALLY freaking out about this 20K I seem to have ambitiously signed up for and now lack the energy to train for. The number of hours I spent in my classroom today. OUCH! As I so deperately strive to compose this blog, memories of the day fill my mind. The 4am wake up call that normally signals that the gym is beckoning my presence ever-so rudely awoke me to the thought that I must go to my classroom and prepare for the lessons of the day and the National Junior Honor Society Induction ceremony that would take place at 7pm this evening. Double ouch. Ouch times 15. After a long, rainy, draining day laboriously teaching myself and my students about folktales, religion, and research paper, I must attend the Home and School Meeting (PTA) to induct my new NJHS members. I am a sponsor and moderator of the group. I love the kids but hate the work... story and fabric of my lives.
Sigh. It is sad when your refrigerator in your classroom has more food in it than the fridge back home; sad when you have your make-up bag, 4 extra pairs of shoes, 2 after school gym bags with work out clothes and one before school gym bag with all your toiletries enclosed for the morning gym adventures; sad when you are the first one to arrive and the last to leave the school grounds. Why was I not born a slacker? Oh wait, I slack on my friends and pitiful excuse for a social life. PHEW! That one was close!
Ok done with the pity party... time for more pumpkin... yum!
Sigh. It is sad when your refrigerator in your classroom has more food in it than the fridge back home; sad when you have your make-up bag, 4 extra pairs of shoes, 2 after school gym bags with work out clothes and one before school gym bag with all your toiletries enclosed for the morning gym adventures; sad when you are the first one to arrive and the last to leave the school grounds. Why was I not born a slacker? Oh wait, I slack on my friends and pitiful excuse for a social life. PHEW! That one was close!
Ok done with the pity party... time for more pumpkin... yum!
Sunday, September 7, 2008
A New Approach to an old friend
As I sit beside friends from years ago, reminiscing about our past follies as if they only occured yesterday, I realized what a gift genuine friends truly are. Our common love is of tail gates and football... but more than about the game, the food, and the beer (oh yes, I am knocking the beer). We gather as ritual, to share our weeks; whether they be successful and enjoyable weeks, or the weeks that are only carried forth by the promise of a weekend filled with friends, food, and football. The environment surroounding our tents is drenched and dripping with heat, humidity, and basically hell but once you step foot across the threshold of the tent, the heat and hell seems bearable, replaced instead with family, love, comfort, and warmth... and do not forget the beer (redemption).
I have missed my Orlando family just as much as I miss my family left behind in Colorado; I just have not remembered to appreciate that feeling and it is my loss and mistake. Driving home, I was able to reflect on both experiences and realized on top of it all, that I miss writing. My summer in the clouds was spent "blogging" for the benefit of my friends and family here in Florida, and now transforms into a blog to include the family I have in other locales since Lord only knows how horrible I am at keeping contact with people (and you thought you were the only one that I never contacted eh?) My life in Fort Myers is dull socially, yet full of life in other aspects. Most of you know that I am gluten intolerant as well as intolerant and sensitive to many other foods, but do not know half as much as my 12 year old students who bear the burden far more than any other 7th grader should. I hope to show you my life through this and use it as my free therapy.
Soccer season is looming on the horizon. The Bishop Verot (BV) high school soccer girls have commenced their preseason training and their coaches accompanying them as well. My dad, the head coach of the Varsity team, and myself, the Head Coach of the JV team and his assistant as well, plot and plan for a successful season ahead. National Junior Honor Society (NJHS), which I am a sponsor and advisor for, will induct 15 new memebers on Wednesday and their first service project in the days preceding it. The birth of my Running Club is tomorrow and I am nervous to be starting something from scratch and openning up a relatively private sector of my world to the Saint Andrew's Catholic School community. I am certain that nightmares of arriving to the meeting in the buff are soon to ensue haha. On top of this, my 2 new subjects, Religion and Literature, seem to be following the same path as last year's new subjects Grammar, Composition, and Vocabulary did last year. Who would have thought that I would seek solace and comfort in teaching Grammar when faced with a Religion class of 17 twelve year olds. My life is an organized chaos which I love to hate and loves to torment my dismal social life here in the Fort. My months flicker of excitement comes from trips to Orlando and the memories of a summer on the trail in Colorado and the promise that both encounters are only a few weeks/months ahead.
September welcomes a new highlight to my year... pumpkin. Replacing candy corn thanks to a slight intolerance to the little buggers, pumpkin is in almost everything I eat to satisfy my insatiable sweet tooth. Pumpkin Spice Lattes and coffee, pumpkin and cocoa smoothies, pumpkin puree straight from the can are my favorite ways to savor this wonderful delicacy. Why the talk of pumpkins? As I resurrect this blog, I am slowily consuming the pure pumpkin puree for the inagural time this year and wondering why I forsake this when January comes around. That is because I eat (or try to) seasonally... ok re-word that to seasonal foods. My only staple foods that accompany from month to month, fall to winter to spring and finally summer are salad (although the lettuce may vary depending upon the season), celery and fake peanut butter (Better N Butter is my vice), Sugar Free creamsicles, mini tootsie pops although they can only be purchased in the Halloween candy aisle, and apples. I LOVE apples. But more on those later.
Fact number 107 about me... I go to sleep before 10... whether it's in my bed or with my eyes open at some event... on nights impacted by school. With a ravenous week stretched out before me, as they all are after a fun filled weekend, I must retire with the promise to update this blog as much as I can. Just like my phone conversations (or lack there of) this blog is dependant upon my energy level.. when that energy is depleted, I am useless to talk or write (sorry again and as usual to all those victims of my void). I pray this evening finds you in good spirits and health, and ado for now!
I have missed my Orlando family just as much as I miss my family left behind in Colorado; I just have not remembered to appreciate that feeling and it is my loss and mistake. Driving home, I was able to reflect on both experiences and realized on top of it all, that I miss writing. My summer in the clouds was spent "blogging" for the benefit of my friends and family here in Florida, and now transforms into a blog to include the family I have in other locales since Lord only knows how horrible I am at keeping contact with people (and you thought you were the only one that I never contacted eh?) My life in Fort Myers is dull socially, yet full of life in other aspects. Most of you know that I am gluten intolerant as well as intolerant and sensitive to many other foods, but do not know half as much as my 12 year old students who bear the burden far more than any other 7th grader should. I hope to show you my life through this and use it as my free therapy.
Soccer season is looming on the horizon. The Bishop Verot (BV) high school soccer girls have commenced their preseason training and their coaches accompanying them as well. My dad, the head coach of the Varsity team, and myself, the Head Coach of the JV team and his assistant as well, plot and plan for a successful season ahead. National Junior Honor Society (NJHS), which I am a sponsor and advisor for, will induct 15 new memebers on Wednesday and their first service project in the days preceding it. The birth of my Running Club is tomorrow and I am nervous to be starting something from scratch and openning up a relatively private sector of my world to the Saint Andrew's Catholic School community. I am certain that nightmares of arriving to the meeting in the buff are soon to ensue haha. On top of this, my 2 new subjects, Religion and Literature, seem to be following the same path as last year's new subjects Grammar, Composition, and Vocabulary did last year. Who would have thought that I would seek solace and comfort in teaching Grammar when faced with a Religion class of 17 twelve year olds. My life is an organized chaos which I love to hate and loves to torment my dismal social life here in the Fort. My months flicker of excitement comes from trips to Orlando and the memories of a summer on the trail in Colorado and the promise that both encounters are only a few weeks/months ahead.
September welcomes a new highlight to my year... pumpkin. Replacing candy corn thanks to a slight intolerance to the little buggers, pumpkin is in almost everything I eat to satisfy my insatiable sweet tooth. Pumpkin Spice Lattes and coffee, pumpkin and cocoa smoothies, pumpkin puree straight from the can are my favorite ways to savor this wonderful delicacy. Why the talk of pumpkins? As I resurrect this blog, I am slowily consuming the pure pumpkin puree for the inagural time this year and wondering why I forsake this when January comes around. That is because I eat (or try to) seasonally... ok re-word that to seasonal foods. My only staple foods that accompany from month to month, fall to winter to spring and finally summer are salad (although the lettuce may vary depending upon the season), celery and fake peanut butter (Better N Butter is my vice), Sugar Free creamsicles, mini tootsie pops although they can only be purchased in the Halloween candy aisle, and apples. I LOVE apples. But more on those later.
Fact number 107 about me... I go to sleep before 10... whether it's in my bed or with my eyes open at some event... on nights impacted by school. With a ravenous week stretched out before me, as they all are after a fun filled weekend, I must retire with the promise to update this blog as much as I can. Just like my phone conversations (or lack there of) this blog is dependant upon my energy level.. when that energy is depleted, I am useless to talk or write (sorry again and as usual to all those victims of my void). I pray this evening finds you in good spirits and health, and ado for now!
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